Sunday 31/07/2016

Haven’t written anything on here for a while. Been in and out of a depressive haze and learning more about meditation. I read through some of my earlier stuff, the narcissistic urge to do that is always a bad idea; some of it is pretty awful and some of it is wrong about a lot of stuff. I’ve learnt a lot more about what’s really going on in the world since then. I’ll not delete it though, will just leave it and move on. It is never a good idea to look at stuff you’ve done in the past, it just sends you even further into depression and introspection, which isn’t helpful.

My meditation is progressing and I can do roughly 30 – 45 minutes a day now, depending on how I feel. Although it is still hard to keep my attention focused, I can do it for longer and I have got much better at bringing that calm and balanced state of mind into my everyday life. I still get angry and frustrated about stuff, still get anxious, it’s part of being human to feel like that, even Zen masters get angry and afraid; but the meditation is making it easier to be aware of how I am feeling and to let go of the negative stuff that isn’t much help to anyone.

I have a corvid friend at the moment. A fledgling we found abandoned on the side of the road that looked almost dead and had flies buzzing all over it. We took her home and found out she had a broken wing. She quickly started to make a recovery. Within a few days she was hopping about and sitting on my shoulder. I never knew corvids were such lovely animals. My body clock has changed as well, she gets up early every morning, so I have to go to bed early in order not to be too knackered to cope the next day.

Yeah the world is a crazy place just now and the future don’t look too golden, but I’ll leave my thoughts on that for today; maybe come back to it another time when the various different thoughts and opinions whirling about my head have had time to settle, and I know what it is I want to say.

That’ll do for now.. off to sit in the garden with my corvid friend and do some meditation.

me and chack chack

Inner Wilderness

Seem to be going through a lot of soul searching at the moment. In the wilderness of my mind and life, seeing things from different angles, not really settling, feeling the light and shadows within me dancing. My head and heart is breaking and coming back together again, I write about everything and I write about nothing. I am neither here or there, I don’t know where I am, in some inbetween place where everything I thought I knew is challenged and spat on and laughed at and spun around like something without roots, at the mercy of invisible forces I twist and turn, but cannot see where I am going or where I will stop.

Who I Am

I know I can be a bit of a dick, and I’m not a very interesting person, with a not very interesting life, I’m solitary & I’m socially inept, but that’s just the way I am.
I also get a bit over enthusiastic and intense; and a tad over sensitive. Not very good at making friends, often say stupid shit without thinking. Been like that my whole life and I can’t change it. I try my best man but I don’t seem to be very good with people.
Sometimes you just got to accept who you are and do the best you can with the tools and the plot of land you’ve been given to till.