Sunday 31/07/2016

Haven’t written anything on here for a while. Been in and out of a depressive haze and learning more about meditation. I read through some of my earlier stuff, the narcissistic urge to do that is always a bad idea; some of it is pretty awful and some of it is wrong about a lot of stuff. I’ve learnt a lot more about what’s really going on in the world since then. I’ll not delete it though, will just leave it and move on. It is never a good idea to look at stuff you’ve done in the past, it just sends you even further into depression and introspection, which isn’t helpful.

My meditation is progressing and I can do roughly 30 – 45 minutes a day now, depending on how I feel. Although it is still hard to keep my attention focused, I can do it for longer and I have got much better at bringing that calm and balanced state of mind into my everyday life. I still get angry and frustrated about stuff, still get anxious, it’s part of being human to feel like that, even Zen masters get angry and afraid; but the meditation is making it easier to be aware of how I am feeling and to let go of the negative stuff that isn’t much help to anyone.

I have a corvid friend at the moment. A fledgling we found abandoned on the side of the road that looked almost dead and had flies buzzing all over it. We took her home and found out she had a broken wing. She quickly started to make a recovery. Within a few days she was hopping about and sitting on my shoulder. I never knew corvids were such lovely animals. My body clock has changed as well, she gets up early every morning, so I have to go to bed early in order not to be too knackered to cope the next day.

Yeah the world is a crazy place just now and the future don’t look too golden, but I’ll leave my thoughts on that for today; maybe come back to it another time when the various different thoughts and opinions whirling about my head have had time to settle, and I know what it is I want to say.

That’ll do for now.. off to sit in the garden with my corvid friend and do some meditation.

me and chack chack


Human Boxes

Was thinking about how certain words & behaviour traits are stigmatized in society. We like to put people in boxes & label them as such & such. We add things like isms, ians, ies, ics & ists at the end.

I know some people who disagree with me on this topic & say they like using labels. Which is fair enough man. These are just my thoughts.

Personally I’m not keen on labels. I think people are more than a narrow media induced definition.

I’m going to use a classic controversial word as an example, something that always evokes feelings of fear & panic in people: psychopath. What is a psychopath?

We automatically assume a psychotic person is dangerous & to be feared. The truth is there are many psychopaths out there who don’t hurt anyone. Just cause someone has psychosis doesn’t mean they’re into evil or manipulative behaviour. Same as someone who uses manipulative behaviour & hurts others isn’t necessarily a psychopath.

Same with the word politician, I automatically feel distrust for politicians. They manipulate, they appear cold hearted, they can show no remorse for the negative consequences of their  behaviour. They are false & disingenuous. Yet I have to ask myself, is every politician the same?

I find it hard to believe that any person is inherently bad or good, we all have a mixture of different personality traits. Yeah we tend to gravitate to certain traits more than others, but is that who we really are? Do we really have to be stuck in boxes & labelled as such & such. Consciousness is more than that, & not just the conscious consciousness but the unconscious as well…

I could be wrong, maybe we all do fit into these boxes that define us; personally I think that it’s just bollocks… but I might just be talking some.

Think I’m losing the thread a bit now, it has just started raining outside… I find that sound strangely soothing, being cosy inside & hearing the rain. Does anyone else like listening to the rain? Maybe it is a primal happy ancestral memory from a time when humans first discovered caves.

Can’t Take no More Conspiracy

I have reached the point where I can’t take anymore conspiracy theories. My brain just won’t allow it, has started making me feel on edge & overly anxious. I respect it though, & some of the information is something we all need to look at in detail. However there’s so much wrong with the world it starts to feel like the image of someone climbing a mountain with a huge concrete block attached to their back. It all starts to feel hopeless, some of it is so dark you feel like you need a psychic shower afterward. Not from the people who give the information, but the shocking evil that it reveals going on in the world. It makes me grieve inside & want to draw close to the hearth of my soul.

How is it that so much evil is allowed to go on in the world?

I immediately switched on my music station & started working on some synth beats & I felt this whoosh of energy come out of me man, like it needed to be released, felt all these blockages in my body where the energy didn’t feel too good, & I weaved my music to try & unblock them.

What I was doing didn’t make any sense, except maybe to my unconscious mind. It felt like a deeply powerful experience. I haven’t been able to cry for a while now. My emotions feel a bit blunted to be honest. Crying is a good thing for anyone to do. Weeping helps you release all that energy & empty your psychic cup, so you can receive something new.

It felt similar to crying, but it wasn’t sad as such, it was both happy & sad at the same time, if that makes sense?

It felt like a psychic detox.

I need to fill that cup with some hope now.

There’s a lot of evil going on in the world.

What can we do about it?

It seems an impossible task. We don’t live in a fair democracy & many people live in fear of change & believe what they read in the newspapers.

Many don’t care, as long as they have their TV dramas, shitty plastic music, & Xfactor, they believe they’re living in a democracy.

Some don’t want to know or accept the truth of what’s going on, or don’t want to believe it is happening. I am one of these people, or at least I was. I understand this fear of despair. Many of us feel powerless, that is a horrible way to feel, so it is better not to think about it too much & let it go just so you can cope.

And then there are those that agree with evil & become self righteous about it.

How the Hell do we break free of this?

We’ve had revolutions before & in the end nothing changes, evil grows again. The root of it is so embedded in humanity, no matter how much you prune it it always grows back.

Need to figure out where/what the root is, & then pull it up so it can’t grow back. To do that requires a lot of effort. It is painful difficult & unpleasant work.

However will the world ever truly change if we don’t change ourselves?

I am a Twat

I am a twat. That’s the truth. I’m selfish, I’m stupid & I know nothing. I have to follow a spiritual path, because if I don’t I fall prey to my inner darkness & apathy. I am a weak useless human being after 40 years I have done nothing to make society or the wild a better place. I struggle with people, find conversation difficult, spend as much time as I can alone because being with others tires me out & I find communication difficult. Strangely I experience the opposite when I am with animals. I feel at ease with them, & find their company doesn’t drain me or make me feel anxious.

I’m saying all this because it is the truth, it is who I am.

That’s why I post all this philosophical stuff, because it is my way of keeping the darkness within me at bay. I could so easily just spiral into the shadows.

I feel a lot of inner pain just now, I find I cannot cry anymore, crying is a good thing, it is a way to release that sadness, clear out that energy, it is necessary to empty your cup so you can fill it with something else.

I know many people say to me the world isn’t a bad place, but I disagree, at the moment the world is a very dark place & it always will be if we keep putting money & our differences before everything else. If we continue to put money before the environment & each other, our planet will keep getting sicker & so will we. In the end your accumulation of wealth & possessions will not save you from yourself.

Profitable Incarceration

The privatisation of prison is one of the most evil acts of the British & American governments. These contracts state that the prisons must be at 90 – 95% capacity at all times. Judges get bribed to increase prison sentences, (Google the kid’s for cash scandal.)

The private companies who run prisons make a 500% profit, putting humans in cages & depriving them of their rights whilst forcing them to work in sweatshop conditions for £2 an hour has become a lucrative business. Not just for the corporations running the prisons, but the companies who can exploit prisoners for cheap Labour. It has become so lucrative even the big banks have taken notice & are investing in the private prison industry.

It is disgusting & evil. We in the West are despicable allowing this to happen. We the so called golden standard of civilization, Britain & America, we imprison more of our population than anywhere else in the world for non-violent harmless crimes. Often prisoners are kept in crap conditions, made to suffer hardships, just so these corporations can cut costs & make more of a profit.

These corporations, banks & our governments are disgusting twisted sick human beings.

This is the real reason cannabis isn’t legalized in Britain. It helps the government meet the obligations in their contract with private corporations to always ensure the prisons are filled to 90 – 95% capacity. I can imagine it won’t be long till people are imprisoned again for not being able to afford to pay their debts & for sleeping rough.

This is what the world is becoming. A dark evil soulless place where the love of money is the dominant religion & the fruits of that religion are exploitation, suffering, slavery, pollution, poverty, inequality, death & eventually extinction.

My view is prisons shouldn’t be privatized, this is one area the state shouldn’t shirk it’s responsibility, & prisons should treat prisoners well, why? Because by treating people with love, trust & respect, you are showing them why being like this makes society a better place. Cruelly punishing people, treating them like scum, forcing them to experience brutality & depravation, this just reinforces criminal behaviour & achieves nothing.

Britain & America are two of the most evil places to live in the world. How they criticize other nations for human rights abuses when they are some of the worst offenders is hypocrisy.

Just saying…

I will never feel proud of my country or love it, when there is evil like this going on. I’m not a capitalist & I’m not a communist, I am an environmental humanist. I am sick of how evil the world is. Enough is enough…

Britain & America should be ashamed of themselves, incarcerating people for profit is so low I can’t find an adequate word to describe how petulantly evil it is.

Will the mainstream media report on this? Where are the real journalists? It seems journalism has become nothing more than a mouthpiece for Corporate & Government sponsors. A spinning propaganda machine designed to keep the public thinking a certain way.

Britain, America, the EU – you want us to feel patriotic, then Danm well give us something to feel patriotic about. Something altruistic, something that does good, that makes the world a better more loving kinder place to live. Not this out of control corporate fascist evil that leaves behind it a trail of toxic suffering.

Exploitation of the world for profit. That isn’t what I believe in man. I want no part in this disgusting evil.


Part One :

Had a trying day, feels difficult sometimes to feel love for your neighbour. They paid for someone to come into our garden & chop down our flowering roses, pull up our clematis & our raspberries then dump the branches on top of my tree fern that has been happily growing for 5 years.

They don’t even live here, they bought the flat above us & rent it for most of the year as a holiday flat, they come for roughly a fortnight a year & I dread it when they do cause they  stomp around like they own the place. Just cause they’re wealthy & we’re poor doesn’t give them the right to go into our garden & cut down our plants they don’t like without even consulting us.

They seem to be the kind of humans who have a weird phobia about vegetation, & like gardens to be dead artificial concrete slabs & gravel, they are obsessed with tidiness. However nature doesn’t like tidiness, it is random & messy. Yeah the raspberries, roses & clematis were growing bushy, but we left it like that on purpose cause the wildlife likes it like that, it’s good for the insects, the birds & the hedgehogs.

Besides, whether it looks untidy or not is none of their concern. The garden doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to us, we own it, we paid for it. It’s private property & it’s on our deeds.

I really want to give them a piece of my mind, but realize doing this in my current angry state of mind might make things worse. I’ve been here before & losing my temper with neighbours never ends well. I will sleep on it & have a word with them tomorrow. The damage is done now, but I will quietly & firmly remind them the garden is ours & they are tresspassing & what they did was out of order.

Grrrrr… it is hard to feel love & peace when shit like this happens. I am still trying to get the hang of right speech, the 3rd step on the 8 fold path. This is why I am not going to confront my neighbours now… I need to calm down & meditate & come at it from the right angle.

Part Two

The meditation definitely helps. I look at my mind as being a bit like the weather. Sometimes there’s a storm, other times drizzle or rain, sometimes it’s a bit cloudy & other times sunny.

One of the noble truths is impermanence. Nothing lasts in this world, possessions break or wear out, they can go rusty or get stolen. The human body ages & eventually dies, there is nothing in this world which is permanent. One day this Earth will be swallowed up by the sun & eventually the sun will also cease to exist.

It is the same with my moods. They come & go, just like the weather. Earlier on I was a thunderstorm, but now the storm has passed & the air is calm.

One thing I like about practising Buddhism is you don’t have to believe in God, it is a practical religion. A path anyone can walk whatever they believe.

Regaining focus, you see something for what it is, I.e. today it was I’m just feeling anger, which is OK, just thought & emotion, a reaction to something impermanent. I have to remember everything is impermanent, the world is always changing, I will never feel happy & end suffering if I am depending on something impermanent to make me happy & secure.

Thoughts & emotions are impermanent, it’s OK to feel them, but I have to remember I have a choice, I don’t have to get stuck in an unhappy loop if I don’t want to, I can just let them go.

Thoughts & feelings can be like clouds, they will all eventually dissipate, dissolve, if you watch them you see the drama in your head for what it is – just  thoughts.

I find Buddhism helps me. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea. I like it cause it is practical, it feels like something attainable, something if you put the effort in, you can learn & master. It is simple. When you understand the 4 noble truths & the 8 fold path, you don’t need to know anything else, just that knowledge. That is the mental map & you just have to follow it. You won’t get there overnight, it will take time, it doesn’t matter how long it takes, it isn’t a race, you follow the path at your own pace, you have to be gentle & patient with yourself.

I still fuck up, nobody is perfect, but I don’t beat myself up about it. When I catch myself in an unhappy loop, I just see it for what it is & this then gives me the power to let it go & get on with something else. Each time I regain focus it is a victory & my mind grows a little stronger, like exercising a muscle, & each time I find focus & insight & see it for what it is, even if it is only for 10 seconds in a 30 minute meditation session, I’m walking a bit further along the path.

There is no hurry, a journey happens one step at a time. Just keep practising, no session is wasted, even if you find it almost impossible to focus, you are making progress. Just be gentle & patient with yourself.

Be a Trickster

Just watched a film from back in 1998, called ‘Enemy of the State’ is a good film. It is about the NSA & shows how the power of mass surveillance can & will be abused. This film was made before 9/11 & the huge attack on our privacy that has occurred since then. It is chillingly accurate & relevant to today & if only we had all taken that film a bit more seriously & stopped them pushing through this mass surveillance.

9/11 & 7/7  were tragedies, the most disgusting thing about those events however was our government’s response to them & how they exploited them to forward their own agenda.

It shows what a bunch of disgusting people many politicians & corporations are.

The UK government wants to push through the Snoopers Charter again, every email you send & it’s content will be stored on a huge expensive database, designed to record information about every single person who uses the internet or phone in Britain.

Using encrypted messaging apps will be outlawed, & anyone who gets a bit too verbal about things online, criticises government policy or actions too much, in a way that might incite anger towards the government, could be labelled an extremist & could end up under a police order, where everything they post online gets checked by the police before it is posted, if you don’t comply with the order you can receive a heavy fine or a prison sentence.

You may think : nothing to hide nothing to fear, well if you think that I’m sorry but you’re an idiot. To save me argueing why, & making this post longer, if you are a chanter of the nothing to hide; nothing to fear mantra, use any search engine & key in – ‘nothing to hide; nothing to fear debunked’

Do your own research, see why that statement is false.

We don’t have to accept this surveillance state, it is wrong, when I take a dump or have a bath I don’t take the state with me. If I am grieving or having a difficult time I don’t want the bloody state watching & recording me. I don’t want some stranger I don’t know looking over my personal life, it’s none of their business.

I think if I carry on posting like this, in a couple years or so I may well be labelled an extremist & given a court order to desist (collective sigh of relief from the internet.)

We have bloody secret courts now. A person can be tried & convicted in a secret court & not know it is happening, the first they will know of it is when the police come to collect them to serve their prison sentence. The way ministers are talking now it is getting very close to the idea of thought crime.

If that doesn’t terrify you, then read George Orwell’s ‘1984’ &  read about Soviet Russia under Stalin.

I don’t like the way things are going in this world, I’m disappointed more people aren’t protesting against it. I know people are tired, don’t have the time, stressed by crappy zero hour contracts & low pay, afraid of rocking the boat in case it effects them or their family. We’re all terrified of the great eye fixing it’s gaze on us. Yet at the same time we know what is happening in our world is wrong. We love Star Wars & films were heroes rebel & stick their finger up at the evil empire.

It may come down to our kids & grandkids to form the rebel alliance.

Anyway I’m going to save the State the bother of banning me from speaking in public by voluntarily not posting much about myself online anymore. Every time I post on here I am voluntarily giving up information about myself to be bought or sold. The NSA & GCHQ can read everything we post online & they use it to build up profiles about us based on what we write, what we like, what we search for, what websites we visit, what our thoughts on the government is. I find that creepy, I don’t like it. Also it isn’t an accurate way to know what a person is really like. I am not comfortable with automated systems scanning everything we post for keywords & shoving us in boxes based on what we write, who we know, who we call. It is too easy to make mistakes & to turn innocent people into criminals.

I often find it hard to shut up online. I feel like I have to get this off my chest. Shout it from the rooftops make people understand they are walking into a trap. Wake up.

I figure the best protest against this surveillance state is to stop using the technology they spy on us with, or Send the bastards on a wild goose chase, track the movements of our MPs & councillors, film any corruption we come across with either hidden cameras or our smartphones, they’ve been doing this in India, secretly recording corrupt officials & posting the videos on YouTube, Social Media & a website to expose the corruption in India. We need to do the same with anyone corrupt we encounter in our lives, expose it. Build our own surveillance state, compile our own database of officials & use their spytools against them.

but do so intelligently, creatively, humourously & if you can anonymously, you don’t have to keep your GPS switched on if you’re not using it, same with WiFi & data connections, learn how to use the technology against them – be a trickster.