Find your true self

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Christians can replace the word Buddha, with the word Christ. Us Westerners have grown up with the teachings of Jesus and that’s fine.

Be wary of religion though, be careful it doesn’t become a cage for your mind. I think many religions have lost the point of the original teachings, and instead of freeing people from their ego, they add more fuel to it, the ego or maya self is a tricky bugger. It doesn’t care what it identifies with. It will quite happily identify with being a hopeless sinner, a devotee, priest, mystic or great teacher; as it will identify with a job title, career, leader, patriot, race, class, consumer, victim or anything else it can conjure up and trick you into associating with. None of these things are who you are.

Religion can become a trap. It teaches people to depend on something or someone outside themselves – and that isn’t freedom.

The truth is everything you need is already within you. The Buddha, Jesus they point to a path, but you have to walk that path yourself and put the effort in.
Not everyone likes meditation, especially in this busy modern world with all it’s distractions, screens and stimulation. It can feel like hard work, and not much fun; but of all the tools available it is definately the most effective. I started at just 3 minutes a day at first, and worked my way up each week. I found this worked well for me. You do a little meditation each day and gradually work your way up. Regular practise is more important in the beginning than length of time spent doing it. If you try to do too much sitting meditation in the beginning, it will put you off and you won’t want to do it anymore, you’ll just see it as a chore. So you do what feels comfortable for you and fit it in to your life. If you add an extra minute to your practise each week, in a year you will be doing an hour of meditation a day, and at that point it won’t feel like a chore or a bore anymore.
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Sunday 31/07/2016

Haven’t written anything on here for a while. Been in and out of a depressive haze and learning more about meditation. I read through some of my earlier stuff, the narcissistic urge to do that is always a bad idea; some of it is pretty awful and some of it is wrong about a lot of stuff. I’ve learnt a lot more about what’s really going on in the world since then. I’ll not delete it though, will just leave it and move on. It is never a good idea to look at stuff you’ve done in the past, it just sends you even further into depression and introspection, which isn’t helpful.

My meditation is progressing and I can do roughly 30 – 45 minutes a day now, depending on how I feel. Although it is still hard to keep my attention focused, I can do it for longer and I have got much better at bringing that calm and balanced state of mind into my everyday life. I still get angry and frustrated about stuff, still get anxious, it’s part of being human to feel like that, even Zen masters get angry and afraid; but the meditation is making it easier to be aware of how I am feeling and to let go of the negative stuff that isn’t much help to anyone.

I have a corvid friend at the moment. A fledgling we found abandoned on the side of the road that looked almost dead and had flies buzzing all over it. We took her home and found out she had a broken wing. She quickly started to make a recovery. Within a few days she was hopping about and sitting on my shoulder. I never knew corvids were such lovely animals. My body clock has changed as well, she gets up early every morning, so I have to go to bed early in order not to be too knackered to cope the next day.

Yeah the world is a crazy place just now and the future don’t look too golden, but I’ll leave my thoughts on that for today; maybe come back to it another time when the various different thoughts and opinions whirling about my head have had time to settle, and I know what it is I want to say.

That’ll do for now.. off to sit in the garden with my corvid friend and do some meditation.

me and chack chack

Inner Wilderness

Seem to be going through a lot of soul searching at the moment. In the wilderness of my mind and life, seeing things from different angles, not really settling, feeling the light and shadows within me dancing. My head and heart is breaking and coming back together again, I write about everything and I write about nothing. I am neither here or there, I don’t know where I am, in some inbetween place where everything I thought I knew is challenged and spat on and laughed at and spun around like something without roots, at the mercy of invisible forces I twist and turn, but cannot see where I am going or where I will stop.

Who I Am

I know I can be a bit of a dick, and I’m not a very interesting person, with a not very interesting life, I’m solitary & I’m socially inept, but that’s just the way I am.
I also get a bit over enthusiastic and intense; and a tad over sensitive. Not very good at making friends, often say stupid shit without thinking. Been like that my whole life and I can’t change it. I try my best man but I don’t seem to be very good with people.
Sometimes you just got to accept who you are and do the best you can with the tools and the plot of land you’ve been given to till.

The Spasm from Hell

Woke up with the spasm from Hell. I think it may have been the most painful spasm I’ve had yet. I could not get rid of it, even two baclofen tabs wasn’t enough. I tried to find relief, but nothing worked, it lasted for hours. My body is all twisted & contorted today & walking anywhere is a mission. Trying to feed the fish took an intense level of coordinated concentration, trying not to trip over my left foot which is completely numb & I can’t tell when it is making contact with the ground. Gave up trying to get dressed, & just went back to bed. I feel weak, drained & just spent the day in bed drifting in & out of sleep & reading stuff on the internet; not done much musically this week, haven’t felt well enough to do it; trying not to feel depressed & useless, but sometimes I haven’t the will or the energy to stop those feelings.

Can’t Take no More Conspiracy

I have reached the point where I can’t take anymore conspiracy theories. My brain just won’t allow it, has started making me feel on edge & overly anxious. I respect it though, & some of the information is something we all need to look at in detail. However there’s so much wrong with the world it starts to feel like the image of someone climbing a mountain with a huge concrete block attached to their back. It all starts to feel hopeless, some of it is so dark you feel like you need a psychic shower afterward. Not from the people who give the information, but the shocking evil that it reveals going on in the world. It makes me grieve inside & want to draw close to the hearth of my soul.

How is it that so much evil is allowed to go on in the world?

I immediately switched on my music station & started working on some synth beats & I felt this whoosh of energy come out of me man, like it needed to be released, felt all these blockages in my body where the energy didn’t feel too good, & I weaved my music to try & unblock them.

What I was doing didn’t make any sense, except maybe to my unconscious mind. It felt like a deeply powerful experience. I haven’t been able to cry for a while now. My emotions feel a bit blunted to be honest. Crying is a good thing for anyone to do. Weeping helps you release all that energy & empty your psychic cup, so you can receive something new.

It felt similar to crying, but it wasn’t sad as such, it was both happy & sad at the same time, if that makes sense?

It felt like a psychic detox.

I need to fill that cup with some hope now.

There’s a lot of evil going on in the world.

What can we do about it?

It seems an impossible task. We don’t live in a fair democracy & many people live in fear of change & believe what they read in the newspapers.

Many don’t care, as long as they have their TV dramas, shitty plastic music, & Xfactor, they believe they’re living in a democracy.

Some don’t want to know or accept the truth of what’s going on, or don’t want to believe it is happening. I am one of these people, or at least I was. I understand this fear of despair. Many of us feel powerless, that is a horrible way to feel, so it is better not to think about it too much & let it go just so you can cope.

And then there are those that agree with evil & become self righteous about it.

How the Hell do we break free of this?

We’ve had revolutions before & in the end nothing changes, evil grows again. The root of it is so embedded in humanity, no matter how much you prune it it always grows back.

Need to figure out where/what the root is, & then pull it up so it can’t grow back. To do that requires a lot of effort. It is painful difficult & unpleasant work.

However will the world ever truly change if we don’t change ourselves?

Just got to Grin & bear it… Find & hold onto some hope

Feeling low, have been feeling like this for the past week or so. I get these cycles, I go from euphoric to deep black depression. I prefer the euphoria, I tend to be more creative then, I find it hard to create anything when I’m sad; but I don’t hate the depression anymore. Although it is unpleasant & painful to go through, when I pull through the other side, it gives me inner strength & a resilience which adds something to creativity.

I am on an anti depressant called venlafaxine but after 5 years they have started to poop out, they don’t work anymore. I have tried to come off them but the withdrawal is bloody horrible. I have experienced opiate withdrawal after being addicted to prescribed opiates for 7 years, it was Hell, but I managed to get off the opiates with my doctor’s help. However the venlafaxine it is different, it doesn’t cause the same feeling as cold turkey, it creates a very strange unpleasant mental sensation, like your brain is full of tiny electric eels swimming about. Like an electrical appliance that keeps shorting out, or a lightbulb that keeps flickering on & off; it hurts your eyes to look at anything & the longer you go without, the more it feels like your brain is boiling, & it feels like if you don’t take another venlafaxine pill your head will explode or melt. It  makes it impossible to concentrate on anything or think, you feel like a zombie craving a venlafaxine tablet to take away this unpleasant weird sensation in your head. I’ve tried slowly cutting down the dose, I’m on the max dose at the moment, but every time I try to come off the stuff I fail.

Don’t get me wrong it saved my life, if I hadn’t gone on it when I did I might not be here today. It helped lift me from the pit of despair, but now I think my body has grown tolerant of it & I might talk to my doctor in the autumn to try & get off it.

Not everyone understands depression, it can be a real bastard. It isn’t just about taking control of your thoughts & being able to snap out of it. It is something else all together. It is like a crazed wild beast that comes out of nowhere & for no reason starts attacking you. You feel oppressed & it isn’t something you can positively think yourself out of. Meditation & mindfulness can help you ride the wave, but these practices don’t make the wave go away.

I don’t know if it is the world making me feel heavy, the evil shit going on with these sick twisted corporate arseholes who seem intent on destroying everything. I sometimes wonder if what I’m feeling is what the earth is collectively feeling.

I look in an animals eyes & they don’t judge me. I get on better with animals than I do with people.

People frighten me.