Just got to Grin & bear it… Find & hold onto some hope

Feeling low, have been feeling like this for the past week or so. I get these cycles, I go from euphoric to deep black depression. I prefer the euphoria, I tend to be more creative then, I find it hard to create anything when I’m sad; but I don’t hate the depression anymore. Although it is unpleasant & painful to go through, when I pull through the other side, it gives me inner strength & a resilience which adds something to creativity.

I am on an anti depressant called venlafaxine but after 5 years they have started to poop out, they don’t work anymore. I have tried to come off them but the withdrawal is bloody horrible. I have experienced opiate withdrawal after being addicted to prescribed opiates for 7 years, it was Hell, but I managed to get off the opiates with my doctor’s help. However the venlafaxine it is different, it doesn’t cause the same feeling as cold turkey, it creates a very strange unpleasant mental sensation, like your brain is full of tiny electric eels swimming about. Like an electrical appliance that keeps shorting out, or a lightbulb that keeps flickering on & off; it hurts your eyes to look at anything & the longer you go without, the more it feels like your brain is boiling, & it feels like if you don’t take another venlafaxine pill your head will explode or melt. It  makes it impossible to concentrate on anything or think, you feel like a zombie craving a venlafaxine tablet to take away this unpleasant weird sensation in your head. I’ve tried slowly cutting down the dose, I’m on the max dose at the moment, but every time I try to come off the stuff I fail.

Don’t get me wrong it saved my life, if I hadn’t gone on it when I did I might not be here today. It helped lift me from the pit of despair, but now I think my body has grown tolerant of it & I might talk to my doctor in the autumn to try & get off it.

Not everyone understands depression, it can be a real bastard. It isn’t just about taking control of your thoughts & being able to snap out of it. It is something else all together. It is like a crazed wild beast that comes out of nowhere & for no reason starts attacking you. You feel oppressed & it isn’t something you can positively think yourself out of. Meditation & mindfulness can help you ride the wave, but these practices don’t make the wave go away.

I don’t know if it is the world making me feel heavy, the evil shit going on with these sick twisted corporate arseholes who seem intent on destroying everything. I sometimes wonder if what I’m feeling is what the earth is collectively feeling.

I look in an animals eyes & they don’t judge me. I get on better with animals than I do with people.

People frighten me.

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