I try to be gentle with myself. Something I learned tonight was about loving yourself. Not in an egoic way. Perhaps self acceptance is a better way to put it. It will be difficult to ever truly love others unless I love myself. This is not a selfish notion. The things that irritate me about others, may be things that irritate me about myrself.
I figure that if I don’t accept the difficult stuff inside myself, I will find it hard to accept that stuff in others. I think gentle self acceptance will cause that behaviour to be reflected in the way we interact with the other people in our life.
I still f#ck up, I think too much, I can say stupid sh#t, behave like a dick & I get really depressed about the world & feel a sense of despair which brings me to the brink; but each time I become mindful I regain focus & each time I regain focus whenever/wherever it happens – it is a success, a victory & thinking this gives me hope & sometimes just a little hope is enough for me to keep going & not give up.
I begin a meditative question answer session in my head.
What is God?
I don’t know, where did all this come from, why do electrons, particles exist, why isn’t there nothing? What was there before the Big Bang, why did life become so well organised & create a myriad complex designs? Is there an intelligence hard wired in every living thing that guides our evolution, something we aren’t conscious of, something deep & hidden from our conscious mind, the mystery of the unconscious.
What is good? For me it is compassion. When you feel compassion for another being.
Where does evil come from? I thought about this… I think maybe greed & that this greed is natural & can be observed in the wild.
Where does greed come from? I think maybe fear…
Where does fear come from? Possibly the intensity of self preservation, survival.
Which comes from the physical world.
What is the physical world?
The matter that came into being from the big bang, the uncarved block, the time when plurality became duality.
So is evil actually evil then? No, it came about from a brutal striving for survival in a reality where you felt constantly hungry & had to avoid being eaten by the many other organisms you find yourself living with who also feel the same brutal striving of survival.
So what is evil? It is difficult to answer this question, so I’ll just say what it is in my head. I think it is deliberately hurting others in order to gain something for yourself, whether that be amusement, self gratification, greed, it is making a choice to do evil with the knowledge it is evil & not caring about the suffering it may cause others.
Where does good come from?
How can good come from survival?
Life doesn’t like conflict much. Deep down all creatures would rather not feel afraid of one another & would rather work out a way to live in peace & share, because that makes everyone feel happier, because feeling constant fear, anxiety & paranoia makes life unpleasant.
Where does the notion of pleasant come from?
The brain releases endorphins to make us feel happier when we are kind to one another?
Why the heck would the brain do this, what benefit does this have for survival?
This maybe due to us humans being social animals, being part of a group meant better survival odds, & a group that gets on well with one another has a better chance of survival than one which is always fighting. So maybe our brains encourage kindness by releasing hormones that help us feel happier to reward us, as kindness is the one thing all animals respond well too, & creates friendship.
If this is the case, why are some of us not very nice? Especially if our brains release endorphins that make us feel better for being kind? Why are so many of us not kind?
It doesn’t make sense, is it a tragic flaw in nature? Cause I think any other animal, if they evolved as we have, would most likely behave the same way. It is a natural response to not want to share with other animals. Creatures in the wild will argue violently over food, & become possesive, particularly if food is scarce. When food is plentiful & there’s more than enough for everyone, animals will play & live happily alongside one another.
Maybe we should be using our amazing brains to create a solution which provides a plentiful state for every living being. Perhaps this is life’s plan all along. We are moving beyond survival of the fittest, away from that primordial state of self preservation. It is a slow process & we haven’t properly evolved from that cause part of our primordial DNA still runs strong in us.
Duality came out of the desire to create more life, in order to survive & overcome decay & death, life had to split itself up into many different parts in order to grow & continue, for a long time in the history of biology it was about finding the best design to survive & stay alive, as life continually fed off of itself in more & more complicated ways, creating complex eco-systems.
Life exists & flourishes through a process of continually absorbing itself & splitting to keep the original energy of that single celled organism who was our ancestor long ago in that primordial soup flowing. Each new organism no matter how big or small that comes into being has that same spark of life the very first living organism had. We know this, because all plants & animals can trace their DNA back to that first organism.
That part of our history is longer than human history. It is old, humans are the tip of the iceberg of something much older.
However, it is now important things change, humans have evolved to the point where this natural self preservation is harming life itself. Although maybe a better way to put it might be that self preservation needs to evolve into compassion. Life has a much better chance of survival, if it doesn’t blow itself into oblivion. And perhaps one way to prevent this would be to feel love, & to stop being afraid of one another.
This still doesn’t make much sense, there’s still a lot of stuff that happens in this world, which I find so disturbing it makes me retch. I don’t think I will find many answers for this just now, as I’m mentally shagged & also there’s some dark places, some rabbit holes I want nothing to do with, I sometimes wonder if there is a force opposite to life that is constantly trying to throw a spanner in the works, another unconscious intelligence responsible for things like viruses & messed up human behaviour. Like science says every reaction has an opposite & equal reaction. Or something like that… Losing the thread of this odd tapestry of words I’m trying to weave…
I did a lot of thinking during this meditation, I don’t see that as a problem though. Mindfullness helps me to appreciate thinking & the power of the mind, just as it helps me appreciate birdsong or the feeling of the wind.
Besides thinking comes from life, as we are from nature & nature is within us. Thought has achieved many great things, as well as many bad things, it has the potential to add a new chapter to the story of life & it doesn’t have to be a tragic one, will we shape the destiny of life, take it to new heights, colonize new worlds, or will we become a fossilized memory of a dark time in life’s history when it’s flame was nearly blown out?