As it always seems to be at the beginning, meditation was a bit ropey at first. Fears & anxieties overwhelming me, I felt that familiar panic attack sensation, a tight chest closing in on it’s self, a feeling of sinking & freezing up at the same time. I regained my focus however, remembered I was meditating, & became aware of how my body was reacting to my anxiety. I relaxed my hands, noticing how tight they were gripping each other, took deep breaths, told myself I was just experiencing a panic atrack & it would be over soon, in fact I was already over the worst of it & I practised some very simple yoga exercises I learnt from YouTube, turning my head left & right, then interlacing my fingers & stretching my arms up & outwards & from side to side. I opened my eyes & focused on a point in front of me on the ground. Things started to mellow & I thought about how each time I regain focus in meditation it is a success. Doesn’t matter if I only manage to focus for a split second in a single session, it is a successful meditation.
I had some God thoughts, & attempted a prayer but then forgot what I was praying about mid sentence & laughed & wondered why that was so funny, & then thought it didn’t matter & if there is a God, he probably found it funny too.
Then my thinking went into guilt & regret, things I wish I had done; & things I regret doing. Going over the past & feeling anxious for the future. I focus again & at first I am not gentle with myself about these thoughts, & try to be firm about just accepting there’s f#ck all I can do about the past, what’s done is done, let it go, be in the moment.
I then think hey up there’s no need to be so hard on myself, it was just a thought man.
I regain focus & release tension & while I do, gently allow the thought to go on for as long as it wants to, but not pay it much attention, as if it was a conversation happening at another table, & I return to the focus…
Then I think about writing the next entry for this blog, then I remember I’m meditating & this thought is a distraction.
Then I think why do I want to write a blog about this anyway?
The first thing I think about is ego, but then I think it is more than that. I think the main reason for writing this blog is communication, meditation can be a lonely experience & part of being human is wanting to share your thoughts & feelings with others.
Feel a critique thought say : Buddha never had the internet, he managed to find enlightenment without talking to anyone… I’m not the Buddha, everyone is different, we all have our own way of walking down this path. Nobody should judge how another finds the truth. Someone could find enlightenment through dancing or perhaps even writing, sitting like this is only one form of meditation.
I refocus, try & get my head round what I’ve just been thinking about, decide I can’t, & let it go like a conversation happening somewhere in the background that is just a part of the ambience. I open my eyes & focus on the floor again.
I feel a bit sleepy, & tell myself I can stop meditating when I’ve successfully regained focus one more time. I can’t remember if I did though, once I lost focus again, I think I decided balls to that, & it was time to go to bed.