Read earlier about a large oil spill on the Californian coast. It made me feel sad. All this stuff we have around us that depends on oil, right down to something simple like a toothbrush, it comes with a heavy cost to the earth.
My heart & mind was low & I struggled to be mindful. I remember reading in a meditation book somewhere that you should observe emotion, & see it as just emotion & be detached from it.
The insight I gained contradicted this idea however. I saw that feeling sorrow for the things that are harming the earth is not something to detach yourself from, people should feel grief for the things we are doing to the natural world.
I was feeling depressed. I did another session of insight meditation. It was rough going & a bit ropey at first. Lots of oppressive thoughts, clanging like cymbals in my skull. I got so involved with them, it caused my heart rate to go up & I nearly had a panic attack. Then I remembered I was meditating & gently brought my attention back to being mindful. I remember reading somewhere that each time you do this, each time you regain focus in meditation, no matter how brief or how long it takes for you to get there, even if you can only manage it once in a session, it is a success, & each time you succeed your awareness grows stronger.
I thought for a moment I might be a Buddhist Christian, I have grown up familiar with the bible, & as a result I find it easier to relate to biblical stories & texts spiritually. And I thought this could easily be the case had I grown up in another culture like Tibet & become familiar with Tibetan spiritual texts.
Truth is I am neither a Buddhist or a Christian, these concepts are manmade – labels used to divide us. People can’t be put in boxes, cause we are not those boxes. We just are.
After this train of thought my attention returned to the focus. (The focus can be anything which connects you back to the here & now.)
My thoughts begun again, I thought about Jesus/Yeshua whatever his real name is, I don’t know… I realised you can call him either & it doesn’t matter, it is pedantic daftness to get caught up in such stuff. It isn’t so much the name that matters, but what it represents.
Sadly for me the name Jesus often conjures up negative judgemental feelings of bible thumping right wing Christians who come across hostile & self rightous from their unshakeable faith; some of them even going out of their way to persecute & hurt others who do not conform to their beliefs.
These people are not enlightened & do not know the father.
They have completely missed the message, it is as if they never heard Jesus words. They call on his name but they do not understand what it represents.
I realise this is me judging others, & I gently let it go & return to the focus.
I feel the urge to pray. I see prayer as another form of meditation. Sometimes great insights can be gained from this practise when it is done in complete honesty & from the heart.
I pray for the oil spill in California, that Jah will help the people to clean it up & heal the damage that has been caused to the environment there. I pray that the father will honour all the living creatures that have suffered & died as a result of this oilspill, that they will not be forgotten & their spirits will find their place in his heavenly kingdom.
I then ask for forgiveness because of our addiction to oil & the modern day comforts it brings us, as these are what cause the oil spills to happen. I pray for Jah to set us free, so that we can gain insight & change our ways.
I return to the focus, then I wonder if there is a God.
Why did Jesus have to die for our sins, why was this necessary for us to be forgiven? I still don’t understand. I became aware of the good & evil within us, something we all share. Nobody is perfect, everyone has their moments were they f#ck up. We have all done stuff we regret in our lives that we feel ashamed of & wish we could change. No human being is exempt from this.
(this next part is a bit mental.)
I felt Jesus being crucified inside me. I felt the pain of the nails, & felt a hole in my side where he had been pierced. It was unpleasant & I said I was sorry & still didn’t understand & I also felt ashamed to ask for the blood of Jesus for my forgiveness, it seemed selfish & wrong to do this, that another suffered so we could be free, I…
.. A great hush fell over me & I had a strong thought in my head & it was both a comfort & a mystery.
‘I abide in you & you in me.’
As Jesus abides in the Father, & the Father in him, so we abide in Jesus & he in us. We are one with the son, as the son is one with the father. You don’t have to ask for anything, it has been done. You are free, it is just our minds that hold us back.
I felt a warm glow in my heart, then I doubted what I had just experienced & felt it subside… dissipate like a cloud of smoke.
Returning once more to the focus…
I pray for help to find the faith that can move mountains. I find faith difficult, almost impossible, a part of me just thinks this is all a load of boll#cks.
I get a questioning thought asking why this faith is so important to me?
For a moment I am silent & take a while to reflect on this. I answer that it is because I hear about tragic events, feel sad about the suffering in the world, I feel powerless to change anything, to make a difference, that anything I try to do to help will be futile, the forces which are causing this planet’s destruction are so great, & those that care about it so few, it feels hopeless & I despair. I want my prayers to be heard & answered, so that I no longer feel powerless. That’s why I want to have faith that can move mountains.
I return to focus again, sit in silence. I start to feel tired & decide to call it a night.