I couldn’t sleep, was thinking about many troubling things, had what felt like a panic attack worrying about all the crazy stuff happening in the world. As I often do, I turned to the screen of my smartphone; but in it I could find no solace & I even felt intimidated by it, so I put it to one side & felt it would be a better use of my insomnia to instead meditate, pray & practice insight meditation cause I was feeling rough from fear & anxiety.
It was difficult to concentrate, as if there is a radio permanently broadcasting in my head. So many thoughts that judged others & reinforced the divisions created in society by ‘isms’ ‘ians’ & ‘ists’ I could see this was false because we are all the same. Words & language are used to separate us from one another, yet we’re all human, we were all babies once, & all shared in that experience. Our minds & thinking, our opinions are shaped by the previous generation, who had theirs shaped by the generation before them, but they aren’t who we really are. I kept staring at it & as I did, my thoughts changed & morphed into self loathing, instead of judging others I judged myself & gained insight into some areas of my life were I am selfish & ungiving. This was not a bad thing except then I couldn’t let go of that self loathing. I dwelled on it & I felt anxious again & fearful & I lost sight of what I had seen before & had to gently keep moving myself away from it as focusing too much on this stopped me from seeing the truth.
I decided to make a positive out of this & use this insight to help me improve my relationships with others. It won’t be easy & I’ll have to be patient. I get really tired, feel weak & struggle to move, but I spend far too much time in this room feeling unwell. I want to spend more time away from here now, & be with others, be outside more, give more, instead of taking.
I know it will be difficult & I felt a twang of despair & it was at this point I started to pray. I decided I like the name Jah as it has a good vibe about it & makes me smile. It means the same as God, & I realised such pedantic stuff is a distraction & stupid. It has to be noted that I still don’t know if God is real, but I felt the urge to pray & speak out loud. I thought that an atheist could just replace this with whatever their concept of Jah is, & then I thought these thoughts were a bit daft & why did it matter, & I was getting distracted again. I felt the urge to pray & even if it felt a bit mental or illogical, it just felt like the right thing to do in that moment.
I prayed that Jah would set me free, then I remembered the insight that we are all the same so I said to Jah that when I say me, I mean every single person on the earth cause we are all the same. I asked Jah to set us all free. It felt good to do this, cathartic to speak this out loud, I felt a connection with something ancient & deep that made everything glow & I felt peaceful.
Earlier I had seen politicians talking on TV, & instead of hating them like I normally do, I saw through their words, & into their soul & saw that their thoughts, opinions & politics wasn’t who they really were. They are just as lost as everyone else, it is a strange thing to see that everyone is living in an illusion & suffering with the same mind control, even the prime ministers, presidents, CEOs of multi billion corporations, all of us are under the same spell, we are all the same, with the same struggle to see the truth. We all need to be set free from this.